amalgamate

I put the cigarette between my lips. I’m sat in the dark until the spark of the lighter illuminates the bags under my eyes and the Shadow to my side. I see the truth for a split second. I guess the least It deserves is acknowledgement.

“How long have you been standing there?” I ask the Shadow as I inhale and sigh through the nicotine.
“Years, but you already knew that.” It takes a seat next to me and puts up its feet.
“Yes, yes, I know.” I reply. I flick the ash into the tray with a tap of my finger, take another long drag and offer the Shadow a taste.
“No, thanks. I don’t smoke.” A defiant hand is raised level with its face.
“We both know that’s a lie.” I cast a glance to the darkness, arch an eyebrow.
“No stars tonight.” It changes the conversation.
“Just because we cannot see them, doesn’t mean they aren’t there.” I look up briefly but I’ve already seen the blank sky.
“Just like me,” the Shadow chuckles. I hear the flex and crack of its knuckles.
“Can’t we just . . . can’t we just not do this tonight?” I try not to sound desperate but I croak out my plea and shuffle awkwardly in my seat.
“You know it doesn’t work like that. This night is no different to the rest.” The Shadow is confident, rising to stand, again.
“But it could be. Wouldn’t a change be nice?” I realise I’ve started chain smoking.
“Maybe, but then again, no,” the Shadow replies. “We both know that’s just not you.” Offering a hand out for mine, the Shadow continues, “We’ve always shared your inner truths. You were made for the darkness and I came to you.”
I stub the cigarette out prematurely; take the hand It offers and stand. It towers over me as always.
“I could decide to let you go one day.” I’m mumbling.
“We both know you won’t.” It takes my other hand, brushes my fingers with its own and continues to tell me that I never had a choice and that I never will. Its voice is soft. I drink the words in.
“You know, you might have been around for a while, but you never really win.”
“What was that?” It asks. I remove my hands and grin.
“You’re always here. I can live with that but, I don’t have to take your hand.”
“There is no choice but to -”
“There’s always a choice.” I roll my shoulders, suck in air through my teeth and retake my seat. I light another cigarette and blow the smoke in Its direction. “You’re always here,” I repeat. “But I don’t have to follow you all the time.”
“Where exactly has this . . . confidence come from?” It draws its palms up, steeples its fingers and points them to me.
“It’s not confidence. We both know I’ve always lacked that.” I take a slow drag. “No, this is more like an epiphany.” I tap the ash, draw up my legs to my chest in a bid to protect myself from Its frosty glare. “This is me realising that you do not have to dictate every aspect of my life.” It opens its mouth to speak but I cut across with, “You have always been there and all too often you have been the one leading me. Well now, maybe it’s time for you to follow where I lead. Or, for you to walk in my shoes rather than demanding they go this way or that. I know I can’t shake you off but I can bid you walk somewhere else, for once.”
“It won’t last long.”
“Maybe, maybe not.” I offer the shadow a drag. It takes it. “Thought you didn’t smoke?”
“Thought you were clinically depressed?” It coughs. Its not used to being burnt.
“You are with me everywhere I go and yet you don’t listen, do you?” It doesn’t reply, It merely takes a step to one side. “What was it that Pip said?”
“Pip?” It asks.
“It might have been a few months, maybe a year since we listened, but I don’t forget words – not when they get you where it hurts.”
I see the realisation glint in its eyes and then it sighs to recite:
“‘Seems the light at the end of the tunnel was a fire. Now I’m choking on the smoke in my lungs, I’m so tired. But I can’t go to sleep with a mind that’s so wired -’”
“‘You call that shit depression. I call it inspired.’” I finish the lyrics like they are the last lungful of air I’ll ever breathe.
“So, I’m to take a step back then?” The shadow tilts its head to one side, like a dog that doesn’t understand.
“Not exactly,” I say, rising, offering my hand. It takes it. Confusion makes It look all the more smaller, I think to myself. “I am going to guide you. Use you. Abuse you. You’ll be my nicotine. My whiskey. My muse. I’ll love you. I’ll hate you but you won’t walk behind me. With your hand in mine, you’ll walk with me, side by side. Understand?”
“This won’t last.”
“Maybe, maybe not. But it might, if you give it a chance.”

In disbelief, It shrinks all the more but its grip tightens on mine.

I cast my eyes to the skies and I can see that one star has come out to shine.

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“These words divert the hurt and send me soundly to sleep
But every word I wrote I meant so fucking read ’em and weep“

STUNNER – Dan le sac vs Scroobius Pip

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